I Blinked…

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I can remember it as vividly as if it just happened yesterday. My wife woke me from a deep sleep and told me she was having contractions and that I should probably go take a shower, she thought it was time to go to the hospital. She seemed pretty calm and led me to believe it was not necessarily urgent, but it was time to get around to head that way.

Ali and Skip, Christmas 2015

Ali and Skip, Christmas 2015

While I was in the shower, she said “Don’t piddle in there, I think we need to get moving.”  Suddenly things seemed much more urgent, especially since we lived about 30 minutes from the hospital. We got in the car, met my in-laws at the hospital where they took our son Alex, and headed in. Barely 30 minutes later, as the songs “Gone and Done It” by Shania Twain and “The River” by Garth Brooks played, Alison Marie completed our family. Literally, it feels like I blinked and the time has flown as my baby girl turns 18 Friday.

Alex and Ali Puerto Vallarta, Mexico 2014

Alex and Ali Puerto Vallarta, Mexico 2014

I haven’t blogged for nearly 2 years, but I felt this occasion deserved a post- and so much more. As a daughter, Ali has been such a gift from God. She is smart, funny, talented, wise beyond her years, and best of all, I think she still likes me most days.  As a parent, we always love our kids and vice versa, but some days I’m not sure we “like’ each other.  I’ve been lucky in that even as we prepare to send her off to college in a few months, we like each other most days. As much as I know she’s ready for the next phase of life, and that her mom and I are, too- when I pause, the memories flood my mind. The memories of taking her to dance (which she hated) and to gymnastics (which she loved). The memories of us laying in bed, laughing…just because the other one was laughing..and then not being able to stop. Her playing with Skip. The sounds of her singing and playing her guitar or keyboard from the other room. The memories at Disney, in Minnesota, in Colorado,in California, and most of all, in Mexico.  She is my kindred spirit when it comes to our love of the beach. One day in Mexico, she told her older brother, “Come on, we are going to go make friends.”  I knew then and there that she was going to be okay in life. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I’m going to miss watching KU basketball or Chiefs games with her.

Ali and me at Chiefs game, 2015

Ali and me at Chiefs game, 2015

As I write this, I need to make sure Ali knows how much I love her and how I can’t imagine our lives without her. When I said she completed our family, that wasn’t just a phrase.  It was so true. She is the moderator when things are tense, the funny comment when people are down, and has such a good caring heart, that I often wonder how she could be from my genes.  It must be her mother’s genes taking over. I know that she is a far better person than I am, and I aspire to be like her many days.

As much as she has it “all together”, I can’t pass up this opportunity to offer advice. I won’t go on and on, but will offer just a few nuggets:

  • Call your Mom after you move out.  A lot. She and your Dad need you more than we will ever admit.
  • Keep your good relationship with your brother.  Someday Mom and I won’t be here.  You two will need each other, even if it requires you to nag him a bit.
  • No matter what happens in life, keep your kind heart and your caring spirit for other people and animals. Being nice is a lost art.  You are good at it. There is a Tim McGraw song called “Humble and Kind”. Stay that way.
  • Don’t regret in life.  Make decisions based upon the best information you have at the time, but don’t regret things in the past.  It’s a wasted emotion. Instead, use it to guide later decisions.
  • Never stay with a man who doesn’t treat you like the most important person in the world. You deserve to be loved by someone who feels that way about you. I hope I’ve modeled that for you with your Mom.
  • Don’t stop singing. Whether as a hobby or something else, your gift is the soundtrack to so many good times in my life. It makes your Dad so happy to hear you singing.

I’ll close by wishing you a happy birthday. I know your life is going to change in so many ways over the next year. I am so excited about what the future holds for you, even as I am a little sad that our time together is drawing to a close. As a good friend once told me, I won’t lose you, our relationship will just evolve into something a little different. And I know that will still be something really good. I just have to be careful to not blink so I don’t miss it. Love you more than you could ever know. Dad.

Our first Mexico trip

Our first Mexico trip

“Boy,” I’m Gonna Miss You

Sitting on my back deck tonight, I’ve finally made myself sit down and write a post I’ve been putting off for a long time. 18 years ago tonight, my wife and I went to bed like we had many times, but it would be the last time it was just the two of us.  As my wife showered prior to a doctor appointment the next morning, her water broke. By 3:30 that afternoon, my life was forever changed, as Alex Christopher came into our lives.

My "Boy"

My “Boy”

I’d planned to write this post before his graduation in May.  I couldn’t ever make myself do it. A part of me wants to put it off until he leaves for college in about 5 weeks. I know in my heart I’m just putting off the inevitable. I know there are thoughts I want to put down because a part of me worries that I haven’t told him all I want to tell him before I send him out as an adult. At the same time, I know he is so ready for the next phase of life. That being said, this post is for you, Alex. In it, I want to share some of my favorite memories and then a few pieces of advice. I hope you take them all with a grain of salt, knowing that many of these may make more sense a few years from now than they do today.

It’s hard for me to list just a few memories, there are so many good ones.  I’ll try to share a few that stand out to me, and I hope they are good ones for you, too.

Snorkeling, Cozumel, Mexico 2010

Snorkeling, Cozumel, Mexico 2010

1) Learning to ride your bike in the church parking lot. You were not what one would call a “daredevil”, but you kept at it and became more confident with practice.  Your sister was not so cautious, and I can remember rides with you calling out to her to slow down and not go so fast. I like how you still look out for her to this day.

2) For this one I’ll combine a few, as the theme of the memories are similar.  They are the first times I saw a competitive “fight” in you during athletic competitions. I’ll always remember a baseball game in King City in which you pitched in a close game and got a big strikeout, and you pumping your fist as you came off.  I can see it like it was yesterday. I also remember a summer swim meet in Kansas City when you were probably 11 or 12 and you won the 100 IM and almost puked afterwards. Or the time you tied for the last finals spot at KC Center and had to do a swim off, only to be beaten by .01. I saw you push through tough times in all of those situations, and I believe you got important life lessons out of sports in those instances. I loved watching you compete.

3) In 8th grade, you decided to do the play instead of track. I can’t remember the name of your character, but I got to see a whole different side of you as you played that part. It was cool to see the young man you were becoming and I just remember being really proud of you.

4) I could list so many swim memories- probably because we spent so many hours with you at meets. A few stand out in my mind. Your day at Mizzou your senior year was such an awesome day. It was a testament to your years of hard work and it was amazing to watch you compete at such a high level. I’m so glad Mom took that picture of me talking to you over the rail at the end of the meet.It’s one of my favorite pictures ever of us, and I’ll always cherish it.

After the MU meet

After the MU meet

Seeing you break the school record at Henley and the look on your face. Priceless.

After breaking the school record in the backstroke

After breaking the school record in the backstroke

And last but certainly not least, watching you at State your senior year. Watching you process the finality of it all, while I was trying to do the same. Swim has given us so many good memories, and you take with you that ability to focus and work hard towards a goal. I’m thankful you found that outlet for your talents.

Alex's tweet after State

Alex’s tweet after State

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5) The variety show your senior year. If you had told me your freshman year that by your senior year you would be singing a solo and playing the piano, I would have been skeptical. You have grown in both talent and confidence as a singer, and I’m so glad you have had that creative “place” to share those. I love that your stress reliever is to play the piano in your room. That’s how your Grandpa Sigrist used to “wind down”, as well. It’s cool for me to see that pass on to the next generation.

Graduation Day

Graduation Day- Joel Goller photographer

6) Graduation. I’ve never been prouder to be your Dad. Being able to give you diploma to you was one of the moments in my life I will always cherish the most.  Thank your for being such a fine example of a scholar-athlete and representing yourself, your school, and your family in such an outstanding way. Thank you for letting me be part of that special day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

While those are great memories, I feel that on the day you can legally buy cigarettes (I suggest NEVER) and lottery tickets (I suggest great moderation) and can vote (pick the best candidate, not the party), I should give you a few pieces of advice that I hope you take with you to college and on into life.

8) Be nice to people. This seems simple, but so many people seem to struggle with this in life. John Wooden said something along the lines of you can never have a perfect day unless you have done something for someone who can never repay you. Be nice, it’s a disappearing skill.  It really does come back to you.

7) Read. Read as an escape. Read to improve yourself. There are so many great authors (Wooden would be on that list) that can help give you perspective on life. I know it will be tough in college, but incorporate it into your life beyond school.

6) Call your Mom. Or text her. Not a lot, but once in awhile. While we know you don’t need us, we still WANT to be needed. This advice is the same whether you are 18 or 28 or 50.

Kimberly and Alex

Kimberly and Alex

5) Always love your sister. I’m so happy that you two have such a close relationship. Work to keep it that way. Some day Mom and I will be gone and it will be up to you two to tell the stories of how we did something goofy or just recall a good memory.  You will need each other some day. It may be just to talk to someone that isn’t your parent or colleague, or it may be to decide what to do with Mom or Dad’s living arrangements. You will need each other.  Love her. Always.

Alex and Ali Puerto Vallarta, Mexico 2014

Alex and Ali Puerto Vallarta, Mexico 2014

4) Find a girl who loves you as much as your Mom and I love each other. I know you’ve heard my mantra about the two most important choices in life: what you do for a paycheck and who you spend your life with. I’m not worried about that first one for you, you are going to have lots of options. Number two may be even more important. I hope we’ve been a good example for you of a loving family. That being said, there is NO hurry to find that girl. God will help you with that.  That leads me to number 3.

Puerto Vallarta Mexico 2014

Puerto Vallarta Mexico 2014

3) Go to church. Regularly. Don’t just be a “C and E (Christmas and Easter)”, but be there way more often than not. This may be even more important during college, when it may not be so easy to do, especially if your roommates are all sleeping in on Sunday. It’s vital to nourish your spiritual life as well as your physical life. Speaking of your physical life, let’s look at number 2.

Christmas Eve 2013

Christmas Eve 2013

2) Take care of your body. Do not let yourself get out of shape. It’s not feasible to stay in the condition you have been in for the last several years while swimming, but it’s important to keep those good habits of regular exercise so you don’t gain the infamous “Freshman 15” or whatever it is these days. This may sound trite, but those habits you form now will be lifelong. Take a look at the health of your ancestors. Do what you can so you can be healthier than all of us.

1) Go to class. These last 3 are especially geared towards your time in college. If you forget all the others, please remember these. I purposely tried to keep them simple. I really do believe if you follow those 3, all other things in college will fall in line.

Enough with the advice. You are ready for anything, and I’m confident you are going on to do great things. I can’t begin to describe how much I’m going to miss you. Recently, we all watched a movie one night (one of my favorite things to do with you), and I tweeted about how I knew there weren’t many days left like that. A friend who has gone through this stage told me that those days still happen and they are even cooler because the relationship evolves to something different. That being said, I will miss my “boy”, but look forward to watching the man you are going to be. Even if you aren’t my “boy”, I’ll always be your Dad and just a phone call or text away. I love you.

Prom 2014

Prom 2014

Me and the kids in the summer of 06

Me and the kids in the summer of 06

Where Have I Been? Where Has Time Gone?

It’s taken me a long time to start this post.  I’ve not blogged in a VERY long time.  There are a lot of reasons, but they are really excuses.  And just like I was told as a kid, excuses are like rear ends- every body has one and they all stink. Truthfully, I feel like I’m coming out of a funk a bit and that may be what is bringing me back to writing. I probably should have been doing it all along, but even the therapeutic benefits of writing weren’t enough to get me here.  Nevertheless, I am here, writing again.

To help you understand why I’ve been gone so long, I have to share some personal bits from last year.  Last year may have been the most difficult year in my professional career.  That’s not really true.  The word “may” leaves open the possibility there may have been a harder one.  Last year was without a doubt the hardest year.  It was a year of turmoil and of change, two things that I don’t generally seek out.  Our superintendent resigned, as did our assistant superintendent, and our director of assessment took a job in another district. Our district eliminated our technology specialists positions causing a long-time friend to leave the district, a friend who had actually lured me to this district 15 years ago. My building principal, someone I had been an administrator with for 10 years, took a position in another district.  Succinctly put, many of us felt unsure of where things were headed and had no idea who would be leading.

Once my building principal took another job, I was then again disappointed when the district chose another person to lead our building. It was a difficult time, and I’m sure as hard as things were for me, they were harder for my wife and kids at the time. I am confident that we have moved beyond that, and I am enjoying a great relationship with my new principal. Our new superintendent has implemented a few new ideas that match my philosophical beliefs, so he has been an easy person to follow and respect. Honestly, I have a new-found sense of renewal this year, and I’m sure my attitude and performance are improved from last year.  It was a tough time- but it’s in the rear view mirror.  I’ve often told my son as he practiced swimming, that the discomfort he felt when he was pushing really hard, that was when  he was experiencing true growth. I’m not sure I ever want to experience so much “growth” at once again.  I hope that I was able to provide a life-lesson for him on how to deal with disappointment and turmoil. Maybe we are all better for it.

Speaking of my son, that may touch on another reason why I’ve been hesitant to write again.  My son is now 3 weeks into his senior year. I know that this year will be filled with many “last times” as the weeks rapidly click by. I know that in roughly two months,  his high school swimming career will be over. I’ve tried not to think about how my time with him is running out. I know he is ready to move to the next step in life, and I am confident his mother and I have done all we can to prepare him- and I think we’ve done well.  That doesn’t make this next step in life any easier. As an administrator, I’ve often worried or felt guilt that I’ve taken time from my own kids to spend with other people’s kids. Jimmy Casas and I recently had a brief conversation about that. I pray that my kids have never felt like Dad wasn’t present for them. I just know that I need to appreciate every moment of this year with my son.  I hope that he has an amazing senior year and that someday when he has his own kids, he will be able to comprehend the love I have for him. With that being said, I close this long-avoided blog with this quote about time:

Waste your money and you’re only out of money, but waste your time and you’ve lost a part of your life.

Michael LeBoeuf

Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda

My apologies to those not familiar with the vernacular that a small-town Kansas boy might use.  My background is splattered with family and friends who have always used different little colloquiolisms as a regular part of their vocabulary.  Spend more than 5 minutes at a family gathering, and you will find that “I’ll be durned” is used early and often.  “I’ll be durned” can mean a variety of things, ranging from, “That’s interesting”, to “That can’t be true”, to “You really did that?”  My dad has often claimed that my mom is a Missouri hillbilly, and she reinforces his claim with statements like “wrinching a warshrag” and stopping at “Walmarts”.  “Coulda, shoulda, woulda” could be added to that list.

I pause at this time to explain a little about how the writing process works for me.  I’m not an “on the clock” blogger.  I can’t sit down at a specific time each night and write.  I’d be a horrible newspaper writer with deadlines.  A post floats around in my head for awhile before I’m ready for it to come out, what I have jokingly referred to as “dumping my brain”.  I told a friend the other day that it’s like cheese, it has to cure and ferment, otherwise, it’s just spoiled milk.  Blogging for me is more about quality (hopefully) and less about quantity. 

Pressed Lemon Cheese by Susy Morris

Pressed Lemon Cheese by Susy Morris

 

This one has been bouncing around in my head for a couple weeks.  There is a hint of avoidance, because I’ve not wanted to tackle the subject.  A couple weeks ago, a middle school student  in my community died tragically due to a gunshot wound.  I coached the young man on my son’s team in baseball for the last 5 or so summers.  I’m friends with his family, and his older sister is one of the top athletes and students in our entire community, not just our high school.  I know I haven’t really dealt with my feelings about this incident.  I’ve worked through loved ones dying often enough to know that actually realizing I haven’t dealt with it is a good first step.  I know that I’ve really been on auto-pilot about this whole situation since I first received a phone call that morning at about 5:30 AM.  That’s when I started calling others in our district to let them know so they could  prepare to help kids that we knew would be hurting that day.  The entire day literally seems like a distant memory of something I watched, and it was only about 2 weeks ago.  What made this even harder to comprehend and deal with was the fact that a classmate of this young man had also died tragically about 1.5 years earlier, a young man who also played on the team I had coached that previous summer.  The amount of grief those boys have dealt with is more than many of us have dealt with in a lifetime.  My heart hurts for them and my concern for them is genuine.

Baseball no title by ericdege

Baseball no title by ericdege

 

Last week, the grandson of a my high school coach died in a similarly tragic way.  I didn’t know him personally, he lived several hours away.  Today, I attended his funeral.  Again, I saw the pain that people were dealing with as someone was gone from their lives way too early.  Again, I heard stories about this young man in happier times.  Sadly, it was all to familiar.

Consolation by allspice1

Consolation by allspice1

Mental health is something that I have been acutley aware of for a large part of my life.  I have had family members suffer with mental health issues, both when I was a kid growing up and also in my adult life.  I had a family member that had to spend some time in an inpatient clinic during my high school years.  That was difficult in many different ways.  Though it isn’t now and it shouldn’t have been then, at the time, it was embarrassing.  There is this stigma attached with mental health.  If my family member had to go away to be treated for cancer, I would not have shied away from talking about that, but words like “loony bin” and “psycho ward” help attach shame to this type of illness.  And in retrospect, how sad is that?  Part of what makes mental health treatment so frustrating is that we really don’t know a lot more now than we did years ago.  There haven’t been the advances like we have had in other areas of medicine.  When I was 4, I fell from a tree and broke my arm.  I spent 18 days in the hospital in traction.  When my son was little, he incurred the exact same fracture when he fell down.  Within 36 hours, he had surgery and was back home.  Medicine had advanced. 

L:istening for brain activity? by Daniele Oberti

L:istening for brain activity? by Daniele Oberti

 

With mental health, other than newer drug treatments, even the professionals are often left scratching their heads, trying to figure out how to treat an illness that we still don’t understand very well.  So the frustration we face as educators trying to help young people who may be suffering from these type of issues is overwhelming at times.  If I see a student limping down the hallway it is obvious to me that they are suffering in some physical way.  Seeing a student who is suffering mentally is so much harder to ascertain.  A lot of it takes opening our eyes and our hearts to being receptive  to seeing that.  In our rush to do the things in our task-oriented world, we can miss that sometimes.

So at this point, you are probably wondering about the title of this post.  Even though I have had more exposure to the mental health world than many, I am still, very much so, a layman.  In my attempt to be at peace with these tragic situations, I think of that phrase:  coulda, shoulda, woulda.  I saw the young man who passed two weeks ago two nights before he died.  He was at a baseball game for our high school.  He was sitting up behind home plate and laughing with a group of friends.  It’s the memory of him I will always carry, besides ones of him on the baseball field.  Sometimes I think I “coulda” gone over and said hello, or I “shoulda” at least waved up at him to say hi.  Knowing what I know now, I wish that I “woulda” done one of those.  Regret sucks, but I also realize it is a fruitless emotion.  We need to make sure we take the time to tell loved ones how we feel, how much they mean to us.  We need to reach out to others that may be hurting.  My hope is that instead of thinking “coulda, shoulda, woulda” we can be proactive with “can, shall, will” and possibly ease the hurting that others may be feeling.

How Did I End Up With a Teenage Daughter?

I’m diverting a little of my normal writing to pause and reflect a bit as a momentous occasion occurs in the life of one of my children.  This Friday, my daughter, Alison, will turn 13.  Truthfully, she’s mature and wise beyond her years-she’s been a teenager in many ways for awhile, and that scares me at times.  I’m not sure where time has gone;  it seems that one day she was this cute little toddler following her brother around the house, having him read books to her, and the next, she was a cell phone-toting guitar player and all-around social butterfly.  Her talent makes dad pretty proud.  Here’s a recent video clip:

Ali- “Rocketeer”

and one of her and her friends singing the national anthem at the Women’s Division II Basketball Semi-finals:

A team anthem

Alison with her new braces

Alison with her new braces

I tried to recall my 13th birthday- that would have been August in 1982.  I was just beginning my 8th grade year.  School might have started that day, it often was a “great” birthday present for me.  I’m sure it was a big day, but I don’t remember any details about that day.  I know I had grown 6 inches between 7th and 8th grade, so I’m sure my knees hurt.  I also was preparing to have surgery on a hernia that the doctor found when I got my sports physical, making me unable to play football in 8th grade.  I served as the team manager that year, so I could still be around the team and throw a football around at practice.  Times have changed- not sure many kids who were used to being one of the best athletes would agree to be a manager now.  I’m sure that Duran Duran, Def Leppard, Van Halen, and Michael Jackson were getting equal play time in my tape recorder.  Saturday Night Live was probably my favorite TV show, that and Friday Night Videos.  Again, I don’t remember the details, just a large “overall feeling” of that time.

Ali being a goofball at Christmas 08

Ali being a goofball at Christmas 08

Lots of things were still ahead of me at that point, just like they are now for Ali.  I think of all the things I hadn’t experienced yet at that point in life:

  • my first serious girlfriend
  • success and failure athletically
  • losing a grandparent
  • my dad losing his job and being in the hospital
  • dating my future wife
  • becoming a father

I know that those happy things in life and those equally difficult ones lie ahead for her.  Part of the hard part of being a parent is knowing when to help her through and knowing when she needs to deal with them on her own.  I’m an admittedly emotional person when it comes to sentimental things.  I know that I’ll cry on her wedding day.  I know that I’ll cry the day she leaves home.  Why wouldn’t I, I cried the day she was born.  Two songs were playing on TV while she was being born: Garth Brooks “The River” and Shania Twain “Love Gets Me Everytime”- the line about “gone and done it”.  Often, Ali makes me think that we’ve “gone and done it” when I get frustrated with her making normal 12 year-old mistakes.  Guess I’ll just have to get used to the teenage ones now 🙂

Me and the kids in the summer of 06

Me and the kids in the summer of 06

Happy birthday, baby girl.  I know you will “sail your vessel til the river runs dry” in a way like none other.  I hope we’ve given you the right life lessons on how to keep it between the shores.  Enjoy this time in life.  It goes by faster than you can imagine.  I hope you are more able to remember the details than your old man.  You probably won’t remember what gifts you get, or maybe even what you did for this birthday, but always remember this “overall feeling” about your 13th birthday; your dad loves you very much.